This whole lockdown actually triggered my anxiety quite a few times which reminded me the time when I got my first panic attack. I dealt with anxiety for years and I think it started during high school. I was transferred from another school and was placed into this whole new environment. Adapting isn’t really my kind of thing, I had a hard time adjusting.

My result at the time was considered great so I was placed into a class with even smarter people which made me realized I probably wasn’t as great as them. I remember having this constant monologue going in my brain of how bad I was, how I was not able to catch up with them no matter how hard I work. My heart rate raised like crazy whenever the teacher was about to appoint someone for the answers. Even deeply inside I knew I had the right answers but I still get really anxious about being called out.

Back then, I’d never heard of “anxiety” or “panic attack”, which made me feel different? I kept it to myself for the longest I can remember. I considered my anxiety as something or a phase that I had to go through as a teen until my first panic attack. The trigger was because I was anxious about my results and at the same time I received a call from my father that I might I have to stop/defer my academic due to financial issues. I finally talked to my dean about it and she referred me to look for our university counsellor.

That was my very first time in so long talking about the what I had been feeling since I was a teen. I never understand what was going on with me or why I felt the way I did but talking to my counsellor at that time really gave me a big relief and I could finally named what I’d been experiencing.

Anxiety is still a stable constant in my life but talking about it has helped me recognize the process of my mind and become more self-aware. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. I am so glad MHA provided this platform for people to share. I do wish I had stories to look at when I was a teen!