Photo by Faris Mohammed on Unsplash

Our third submission for #kisahkamekMHAS.

Mental illness does not discriminate. It can happen to all kinds of people from all walks of life. And it’s likely that, when you find a combination of self-care, treatment and support that works for you, you will get better.

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Depression! The first time I heard this word was when I was a 4th year medical student. We were obliged to go through psychiatric posting and it was my first time encountering depressive patients. As a medical professional, I thought I would be exempted from having the illness. Unfortunately I was wrong. Little did I know that 11 years after, I would be one of the depressive patients.

Gradually I lost the pleasure of doing the things I like. My sleep was disturbed and I constantly woke up every hour throughout the night. Going to work became (s0) demanding that I had to motivate myself every morning. At work, I easily got agitated by even tiny mistakes. When things were not done properly at work, I felt useless and full of guilt.

As a senior MO, I often felt like I failed to guide and teach my juniors and my staff nurses. Due to the heavy workload, most of the time, I felt fatigued and (low) energy. I also lost my appetite which then resulted in a significant weight reduction from 38kg to 34kg.

Despite having all symptoms of depression, I was still unaware of it. It was when I became easily forgetful and I had trouble in concentration then I knew something was not right with me and it was the time for me to seek for professional help. Nevertheless during that time, I thought that I was just experiencing “burn out”, one of the common complications that could occur to anyone with a stressful job like mine.

To go to a psychiatrist instead of a psychologist or a counsellor wasn’t an easy decision for me. Ironically although I myself was a doctor, I was afraid of seeing another doctor, let alone a psychiatrist. I guess I was afraid of the stigma of having to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Most importantly I was afraid of people’s judgement that I would no longer be fit to practice as a doctor once diagnosed with mental illness.

Dr NZ was the name of the psychiatrist whom I first met. Thankfully she wasn’t just a nice and a kind doctor, but a good listener as well. Listening to her soft voice helped reduced my anxiety whenever we talked. Because she was non-judgemental and empathetic, it was easier for me to open up to her.

Based on her evaluation, she told me that I was suffering from double depression, a condition where I have both Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Persistence Depressive Disorder (PDD) simultaneously. As a result, I require psychopharmacological treatment to eliminate my symptoms. She explained to me that there was a chemical imbalance in my brain which needed to be corrected with antidepressants. According to her, psychotherapy alone was insufficient to treat the symptoms. I was, at the time, able to digest when she said I had depression, however I wasn’t ready to start antidepressants. I didn’t think my depression was severe enough to warrant antidepressants. Therefore when she prescribed antidepressants for me, I refused to take. (Indeed, doctor is the worst patient!!!)

Without antidepressants, my condition remained the same. I was engulfed with sadness  almost everyday. Without any apparent reasons, I could cry out of the blue even while reviewing patients in NICU & PICU during oncalls. I always felt that I was a burden and troublesome to others, thus I continue to hate myself. As a consequence, I preferred to be alone. I isolated myself from my friends and my family; without realising that social withdrawal had made my condition became worst.

During my subsequent visits to the psychiatrist, I told her the truth that I have not been taking the prescribed antidepressants. Upon knowing that, surprisingly she didn’t scold me. Instead she patiently explained to me the complications of untreated clinical depression one by one. It ranges from the increased risk of coronary heart disease due to exposure to continuous stress and unhealthy lifestyle, recurrent infections as a result of weak defense mechanism, risk of cancer due to impaired immune function and damage of DNA repair as well as the loss of higher mental function or cognitive impairment such as dementia. She told me that I fall into severe depression which – on top of psychotherapy – requires the help of antidepressants to recover. Worried about the risk of getting dementia, I finally agreed to take the antidepressants as scheduled.

Even though I only got to meet my psychiatrist a few times, I felt relief knowing that she is trustworthy and dependable. Each time I saw her, I was always truthful so that it would be easier for her to formulate a treatment plan for me. There was no point in hiding something as it could jeopardise my condition. For me, it was important to have a therapeutic relationship with the psychiatrist/therapist since it could drive me into getting better faster.

As I became one of the psychiatric patients myself, I realised that mental illness could hit anyone. While undergoing treatment, I’ve encountered a lawyer, a lecturer, a teacher, a doctor, a medical student, a housewife, etc. When I looked at them, I realised that anybody could become victims of depression. I knew that just like me, it was also not easy for them to see a psychiatrist. Despite that, we bravely pushed ourselves so that we could be happy and healthy again.

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Thank you, Farhah, for sharing your story.  Stigma prevents us from getting the help we need. Let’s fight stigma by talking about it, by bringing mental health conversations out of the shadows. People need to know there is help available, there is hope. Don’t allowed mental illness to linger. There is no shame in mental illness. The shame is in the stigma.