Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash

Trigger Warning : Mention of suicide attempt. If you are triggered by the content in this post, you are encouraged to take a break and reach out to someone you trust to process your feelings and thoughts. If you need crisis support, please contact Befrienders KL (24hours) 03-79568144 or Befrienders KCH (6.30pm-9.30pm) 082-242800.

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Suicide Prevention Day is the push for me to share this side of my story. I’m a little late to the party but that’s okay because I thought there might be people out there who might need this.

I am currently 28 and it has been 6 years since the day I wanted to end my life. I still think about that night every now and then, there are a lot of “what if’s” scenes playing in my mind. My parents and siblings wouldn’t be able to see me graduate, landing myself my first job and getting into my first relationship. I would’ve missed out my sister’s wedding, getting into my little’s brother first car ride and many sweet blissful memories. I would not have been able to join a volunteer programme in Poland where I was able to teach underprivileged children and meet many people from different cultures.

I’ll never forget that day. I felt worthless and hopeless, as if there were nothing for me to look forward anymore. I decided to text a close friend, to indirectly say goodbye in the least suspicious way but who am I kidding? She is my close friend, of course she is going to sense something was off. She called me right away to make sure I was okay, I tried very hard to sound normal so that she doesn’t hear my sobbing voice. I wanted to brush her off so I told her that I was fooling around and I just wanted to get her reaction. Remember I said I was worthless? I couldn’t have been more wrong. She was annoyed at me because she thought I was fooling around, but she assured me that she appreciates me so much and she ended the call with “hey for the last time, never do reckless sh*t and you better live up to 100, I would rather listen to your ugly cry than attend your funeral.”

Those are the words that saved my life.

I do have people who loves me. Since then, I surrounded myself with people who keep me away from bad thoughts. I talked to my friends who care.

You see, there will be times when there are voices in your head telling you how you are not good enough and that’s okay. Everyone has those days and it’s okay but please remember that there will always be good days.

Reach out to someone to talk when those voices invade you because I assure you there will always, ALWAYS, someone out there who would rather listen to you crying than attending your funeral.

Last but not least, always look out for friends around you and be kind, your actions and words can definitely determine one’s life.

I hope this short story of mine somehow help you go through your day a little bit! ???? Not to forget, kudos to MHA for providing this platform!

Ally. T